If you were mine.

If you were my team, and me your man, what would it be like?

Mohali Kings XI Punjab (KEP): Personally congratulate whoever recruited the threesome of Sangakara, Jayawardene and their old coaching mate, Tom Moody. Together, the three are like a 3-for-1 good whiskey buy at the Duty Free. At the team meeting, repeat this metaphor, raise a toast, drink straight up but not wantonly hurl glass over shoulder a la Aristotle Onassis.

Let Yuvraj Singh be, though the occasional bear hug would not go amiss after a win. Praise Yuvraj’s spontaneous runaway train celebrations. Screen these at post match parties. Prior to the IPL kickoff, recommend Sreesanth for therapy. Pick the tab.

Delhi Daredevils (D3): First, a one-to-one with Virender Sehwag - what makes him tick, what ticks him off. Empower Sehwag: communicate the difference between empower and n-power, the English cricket sponsors. Expect Sehwag to say he gives a hoot, in Hindi. Laugh it off.

Balance the excess of Sehwaglike swashbucklers with one-two finishers; as Gambhir, Dhawan, AB deVilliers, Malik all love the last action hero bit as much as Viru. Play wicket takers like Amit Mishra regardless of the wicket. Empower McGrath. Refrain from calling him a mentor as it’s a bad word in Indian cricket. Instead call him McGrath Mamu.

Jaipur Rajasthan Royals (RR): Wait. Watch. Continue watching. Make sure that computers stay out of Warne’s way. Apply for more team franchises called the Rajasthan Royals II and the Rajasthan Loyals. Clone Shane Warne, Shane Watson, Yusuf Pathan, Sohail Tanvir and their ilk. Wait. Watch.

Kolkota Knight Riders (KKR): Ensure nobody is bigger than Saurav Ganguly. Make Dada play the lead in KKR promos but keep choreographers at bay, save the dance for short balls. Do not sign up players who will be here today, gone tomorrow. Ensure Dada speaks to the Chief Minister and earns that Entertainment Tax waiver. Instead of sending some boys home to save costs, send everybody home, and save even more costs. Provide P.G. accommodation in away games. Or request players to stay with relatives.

Mumbai Indians (MI): Recommend Bhajji for therapy. Do not recommend Bhajji for captaincy. Even if Sachin Sir says so. Ensure Jayasuriya plays a centrifugal role in all games. Ditto for Pollock. When Sachin returns to the fold, ensure Sanath and Shaun are not undermined – tap their energy, negate Bhajji’s negativity. Pick his tab. Also call the team Mumbai Alliance Reliance. MAR for short! Theme song: MAR dallah!

Bangalore Royal Challengers (BRC): Ensure cronies do not impart cricket lessons to Dravid or team in private or via press releases. Win Dravid’s confidence (as Greg Chappell did), and set the team’s course with him – eliminate non T20 players one by one. Recreate a team with Misbah ul Haq, Cameron White and Rajasthan Royals’ styled rookies – transport Dravid to the zone. Praise Dravid in spite of defeats; blame them on heady partying with Kingfisher and Royal Challenge. Create a rival cricket league where cricketers play under the influence. Brand it as Influence AAAh!

Hyderabad Deccan Chargers (DC): Personally and publically thank VVS Laxman for his troubles re: that icon issue. Take a leaf out of those Miss Universe speeches, declare one cannot be made an icon. But like beauty you either have it or you don’t. And VVS is an icon from within. Hire Aishwarya Rai for a prohibitive sum to endorse the sentiment. When the team’s performance wanes, extend further support: claim like beauty and being an icon, performance too lies within. And you can’t put a good player down for long. Target the next season. Meanwhile, look to sell out. Request VVS if he can help reduce costs further.

Chennai Super Kings (CSK): Inform M.S. Dhoni he’s in charge. Hope he stays in charge. Unleash propaganda that a strong Chennai Super Kings means a strong M.S. Dhoni - which means a strong Indian team - which means all Indian players in all franchises should strengthen M.S.D’s resolve. Request Krish Srikanth to create Live full-fledged family soap operas to distract from any defeats.

WINNING POSITIONS.

or

Win from any position.

A retired boxer told me this story over a beer.

That he could now beer certified retirement.

Previously, when he boxed he could only watch others beer.

Maybe that’s why he retired. But that’s not the story.

This is:

Some dirty dozen years back, a British middleweight boxer was desperate to win.

So desperate that he was prepared to do the unthinkable: he was ready to box a win into his head!

What’s that? How do you, eh, box a win, into your head, sir?

First, sit in a comfortable chair in a dimmed room.

Make sure you are not lying down as that increases the chances of falling asleep, which is not the goal of hypnosis.

Hypnosis did you say?

That’s right, the boxer had himself hypnotized.

He heard strange voices in his head. These strange voices went something like this: “I will have vengeance, I will be victorious”

Come to think of it, they can be monotonous when heard repeatedly, but not for this boxer.

Come boxing day (not December 26th in this case), our boxer was still under the spell.

Once into the fight, he was well out of it. Down for the count, but up again. And that went on and on. Round after round. Down, up. Up, down.

Clearly he was hearing that voice in his head. He was under the winning charm.

And then, out of nowhere, he swung one into his opponent’s head, and that was that.

Hypnosis had worked. He had won. From a highly unlikely position; or as Shane Warne’s Rajasthan Royals, he too believed, “win from all positions”.

It started as a joke when the Rajasthan franchise didn’t even use its allocated funds at the auction. Next, much retired Shane Warne as both captain and coach. Sounds familiar?

In a nation that picks poster-boy batsmen as captains, Anil Kumble was the last resort.

That Kumble could think was not a prerequisite. That Tendulkar wasn’t game, clinched it.

Coming from that history, it takes a lot for India to understand the almost hypnotic stranglehold Warnie has on his wards.

Ok, he can captain, so what? Possibly, Tendulkar being buddies with Warne creates bigger headlines here. Those “nightmares of Sachin’s Sharjah sixes” are Warne’s favourite bytes to the media, and how they lap it up. So, he knows what you want to hear. What else?

He’s a straight shooter –made no qualms about his less than amorous relationship with then Aussie Coach John Buchanan. Or for that matter, with Saurav Ganguly during their recent IPL encounter.

But still he’s a little thin on skipper-lore: Hampshire county captain, a ten odd ODI winning streak in Steve Waugh’s absence, and he becomes the best captain Australia never had?

Does that negate the pre-World Cup drugs fiasco that his mummy prescribed? Or is that non-cricketing too?

In many ways, Warne’s persona is beyond that of a mere cricketer. His stature, deeds, misdeeds, seeds sown, and what he has reaped, are in the realm of rock star royalty. When alleged romantic liaisons extend beyond a record wicket tally, the Rajasthan Royals and Hampshire lads must be in no less in awe of Warne than say, London’s lasses were of the Beatles and the Stones in the 60s (and not in their 60s)

It’s not just that Warne has this coolness about him, but he can still play top draw cricket. He can think, talk and walk that talk. He’s in the zone. But there is no zonal bias – he’s comfy arming around Paki keeper Akmal on the bench, with an aside, a joke, just one of the mates. At the same time, when he sits in the dugout, he’s assertive enough to tell his mates to vacate a seat to have two for you know who!

In a way, there’s a bit of Warne in M.S. Dhoni too. To realise that you’re not just a cricketing nerd, but there’s life beyond cricket. Look what that thinking did for Saurav Ganguly’s career.

Win from all positions – doesn’t matter if it’s Round 2 or 8, whether you’re down for the count or winning on a canter,

And when His Master’s Voice deigns to speak to his flock, are they are mesmerized? Hypnotized?

Do they stand up on their benches like school kids, reciting in unison, “O Captain! My Captain!”

Five wins on the trot, top of the League, does it even matter if they win or lose from here?

Regardless of what happens next, Warne has used his team’s Ninja like invisibility to its advantage.

You never know when, how or who will strike.

But strike they will.

Question is which team has the Samurais to take them on?

View Tease Shirt

19th Nervous Breakdown.

Go on, abuse Harbhajan Singh.

It’s politically correct.

Call him names. Call him big, bad dirty Hinglish names. Names that would have made Bhajji proud.

Bhajji is no saint. A while back he said Gilchrist was no saint.

Where did that come from? Ok, that was Australia, Sydney, Symonds, monkey, teri ma ki. Is Australia relevant?

From India’s favourite son, beholder of national pride, he is now a human stain. A cricketing untouchable.

And unlike in the Aussie chapter, this time, action was swift. An eleven match IPL ban, and Bhajji’s fifteen minutes of fame were over.

But why did it come to this?

Weren’t the telltale signs always there – in Australia, in the South Africa series, in the dressing room? Of course, what happens in there stays there.

Is Bhajji alone responsible? Was he so potent a power that Sachin Tendulkar, M.S. Dhoni, Lalchand Rajput, Garry Kirsten just let him be.

What about Anil Kumble? What was his take on Bhajji’s theatrics in the last two test series? Or was he neutralised like some of the village elders?

Isn’t Bhajji one of M.S. Dhoni’s ablest lieutenants in both the T20 and one-day games -what was his take all along?

What was our take? What was the media’s take? Did we give a damn, as long as Bhajji was proven not guilty in Australia?

Who else has been undermined in the past? Why did Dravid resign as test captain? Kumble over Bhajji for Dravid; Bhajji over Kumble for Ganguly. Why do we continue to hear talks of favouritism?

And now Bhajji v/s Sreesanth. North v/s South. Welcome to IPL.

And why was Harbhajan Singh made Mumbai Indians’ captain? In the absence of Sachin Tendulkar, did a team called “Indians” demand a provocative Indian player as its first face? While foreign veterans Shaun Pollock and Sanath Jayasuriya were overlooked, Bhajji was at best a popular choice. The selection disregarded his short fuse, flawed people skills, and penchant for pangas.

The same Bhajji who suffers anxiety attacks when he doesn’t strike early. A common refrain when he comes on to bowl: “needs an early wicket”. Or else.

And when that early wicket eludes, watch the shoulders twitch, droop, fall – followed by an uneasy grimace at missfields, another nervous breakdown at a dropped catch. As if the catch dropped was a personal attack on his virility.

Imagine then, what erupts when Sreesanth missfields or drops a catch off Bhajji’s bowling? Lord have mercy.

The irony of Bhajji being his own worst enemy is not lost in this: first, he overestimated his own capabilities and accepted the Mumbai Indians’ captaincy. The first few defeats set the bomb ticking, the last one, ironically against Kings XI Punjab, exploded in his face.

Looking at Bhajji operate, you sense the world is his enemy. Looking at Sreesanth act, you sense he’s the world’s enemy. One perception leads to the other, and finally, the two cricketers persecute themselves, with or without the help of others.

It’s no surprise then that two players, so similar, almost craving for the world’s attention, could not coexist in the same team. And while their craft of pace and spin, is as dissimilar, as North and South, they almost appear to be threatened by the others one-upmanship.

A telling difference between the two, Singh at 27, is a ten year veteran in world cricket, while Sreesanth at 25, made his international debut in 2006.

Yet somehow the two continue to act like squabbling six year olds. “Gimme my bat, that’s my ball…WACK!!”

And if that is the case, reform school cannot be far behind. For, to punish them with match bans and set them lose again will be wrong on both Indian cricket and the two players.

Here’s a rare opportunity for Indian cricket: to make two wrongs right.


Suggested listening:

19th Nervous Breakdown by Rolling Stones
Paper Tiger by Beck

DELHI DAREDEVILS DEMAND YOUR ATTENTION!

Delhi in my belly!

“Next time you buy free tickets, take me also!”

That’s Vasudev, who turned seven in March, and an IPL backer in April.

I had every intention of taking him for Delhi Daredevils’ first game at the Feroz Shah Kotla.

Fact is, I had every intention of taking a lot of people.

One guy backed out because he was watching soccer.

Others were either babysitting their kids or their wife’s guests.

Guess both take a lot of handling, and don’t come naturally to men.

Both cause a lot of men to miss a lot of games.

But not the guy who made it: he didn’t have any kids. He didn’t have any wife’s guests. Heck, he didn’t have any wife. Not yet.

Fits that his company is called Happily Unmarried then?

Anyway, the reason for inviting him was somewhat selfish. The three T20 games we had watched together (2 vs. Pak and 1 vs. Oz in the World Cup), we won. And the solitary T20 thrashing in Australia, we watched in isolation.

I assumed with master Happily Unmarried as company, the Delhi Daredevils would win too. I hadn’t realised that in the Rajasthan Royals, the IPL had the perfect ingredient for a successful tournament: a minnow.

First, everybody will bash the Royal’s up, and then almost Bangladesh like, they will upset all equations by beating the best team (as in the South Africa or chokers of the tournament). Imagine the surprise when Rajasthan Royals beat Kolkata Knight Riders. Where will Shah Rukh Khan and his wonderfully gifted entourage hide?

I looked for a red ‘n’ black tee. Not quite Delhi Daredevil gear; but then, I wasn’t prepared to invest in them as yet.

Of course that changed once I put on my red ’n’ black tee. I had taken the colour- combo oath – the full import of which kicks in when you’re on the ground. With McGrath, Sehwag and Vettori in the same colours.

They are one of you. You are one of them. It feels just fine. Put on a show for me - beat the hell out of royalty. Power to the masses!

But it’s a little more complicated. How do you reason Kaif being knocked over by a firang? Do you still think, a bad T20 club performance can effect his test chances? Or say, if Raina rocks, will he enhance his India chances?

Once the game starts though, you abandon all that muddled thought. You are sucked in by the partisan crowd, hell, you become the partisan crowd. You enjoy, for once, being just a face in the crowd. Being invisible in a metaphorical sea of red ‘n’ black. The red-black sea, eh?

The high point of the game is much delayed. It’s when Delhi’s icon player, Virender Sehwag takes strike – and blasts one straight over mid on. You realise, if you hadn’t before, you’re in Delhi. And Sehwag is Delhi, as Tendulkar is Mumbai, Ganguly is Calcutta, and Laxman is Hyderabad. Never mind about M.S. Dhoni and Shane Warne. They are something too: mercenaries?

Three balls and two more fours later Sehwag is out. Frankly felt like walking out then. But then, you don’t walk out on your team. No matter what.

So, I stuck it out. And though Delhi won handsomely, or rather, Rajasthan lost ugly, it wasn’t a great game to watch.

But then, when you watch 9 out of 10 games, prepare for the odd heartbreak, even when you win.

Later, long after the game, way past midnight, the Rajasthan Royal’s team bus was blocked off by an errant Delhiwallah’s badly parked car. After a bad evening, the Royals were now having a worse night.

Looks like we Delhiwallahs sure like to rub it in.

Less than 20 words.

3 ball high, 1 ball low. Sehwag’s out. Glad it was a free pass.

more than 20 words

Soviets and lefties.

Looks like India won the battle and didn’t lose the war either. When you win the last test in a series it’s an altogether different high - be it to seal or square a series or pick some hand-me-downs from the Aussies in a dead rubber. In dead rubbers, it appears, the Aussies go get a manicure – and choose not to dirty their hands with the efforts of a scorecard inspiring 4-0 win. 2-1 will do, thanks mate.

So while the Aussies pound teams in the virginal days of a series, it’s full time commitment that puts them off. Except when it’s the English they’re deflowering. That’s when even five-nil is an understatement. You have to delve into details. How many innings’ defeats? How many ten-wicket wins? Are the pommies scarred for life? Will they make it for the next Ashes?

And that is what separates two teams in a series, even when they are locked at one all. Like India-South Africa. Who, in Rameez Raja speak, dented the others’ confidence quite badly?

Even though India had the last laugh, what about Ahmedabad? Why did it happen? Does it necessitate a complete breakdown –followed by a rehab visit to get all cleaned up - to bounce back again?

Is team India just a motley crew of gifted cricketers put together– the Soviet Union of cricket. Also consider India’s policy on no-first-use of nukes! Hit us, then we’ll hit back, only harder.

Over to the Bong bombshell Saurav Ganguly, who’s nearly hooked up with the potential of his big box office debut. And though he didn’t chart a century at Kanpur, it set Sauravspeak in motion: his best innings, he says. Or did he mean, “one of”. Not as in “one off”. Either way, Dada was on: a left handed VVS Laxman.

Of the other lefties, Irfan Pathan wasn’t playing, Piyush Chawla got two wickets (and then wasn’t playing) and with Yuvraj Singh, the promoters wangled a 32 run item number.

Who’s left?

Gambhir for Jaffer?

Also don't be surprised if IPL performances decide the odd test slot.

By the way, Suresh Raina bats left handed too.